FRIENDS QUOTES

Chandler: "Hey look, it's a monkey with a Ross on it's ass."

Ross to Paolo: "I think I speak for everyone when I say [slams door in Paulo's face]"

Ross to Paolo: "Do you know what 'crapweasel' means?"

Phoebe: "Monica? Um, you're scaring me. I mean, you're like, you're like all chaotic and twirly, you know? - I mean, and not in a good way."

"Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew...!!"
"What?!"
"Ugly naked guy got a thigh-master!"
"Ewwwwwwwwwwww!"

Rachel: "Oh God, and now I'm going to have to return the ring, without the ring, which makes it soooo much harder..."

Chandler: "You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days."

Monica: "Loosely translated, 'We should do this again' means 'You will never see me naked.'
Chandler: "Or, 'You're such a nice guy' means: 'I'm going to be dating leather wearing alcoholics, and complaining about them - to you.'"

Phoebe: "It's not mine, I didn't earn it; if I kept it, it would be like stealing."
Rachel: "Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping."
Phoebe: "Ok, ok, let's say I bought a really great pair of shoes with the money. Do you know what I'd hear with every step I took? 'Not-mine, not-mine, not-mine.' And even if I were happy, ok, and, and skipping, I'd hear 'notNOT-mine, notNOT-mine, notNOT-mine, notNOT-mine..'"

Chandler: "I'm smoking, I'm smoking, I'm smoking."
Phoebe: "I can't believe you, you've been so good for three years!"
Chandler: "And this is my reward!"

Ross: "A thumb?!"
Phoebe: "I know, I know."
All: "Ewwwwwwwwwww!"
Phoebe: "I opened it up, and there it was just floating there, like this tiny little hichhiker."
Chandler: "Well maybe its a contest, you know? Like collect all five?"

Ross: "Stop ... stop cleansing my aura."

Chandler: "Ewwww, Lambchop. How old is that sock?! If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too."

Chandler: "Well, what kind of a relationship do you see us having considering you have your foot so far up my leg that you can count the change in my pocket?"

Rachel: "My God! These are incredible! How come I've never had these before?"
Phoebe: "Oh I don't make them very often. It isn't fair to the other cookies."

Ross: "I believe the word you were looking for is...Anyway"

[Joey sharing a bed with Chandler]
Joey: "I can't sleep in my underwear."
Chandler: "Well, you're gonna."

Joey: "Uhh... I'll just go pee in the street."

Chandler: "Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian... Did I say that out loud?"

Ross: "I suppose we're looking for a more sophisticated answer than, 'To get you into bed?'"

Ross: "I'm not in the [friend] zone."
Joey: "You're mayor of the zone."

Phoebe: "Now go away so we can talk about you."

Phoebe: "He's a shrink, but not in that shrinky way."

Chandler: "Rock . . hard place . . me"

Ross: "Since you saw her boobies, I think you're gonna have to show her your pee-pee."

Ross: "Hey! I married a lesbian to make you look good!"

Rachel: Men can pee standing up!
Chandler: We can? Okay, I'm trying that.

Chandler: "Oh, look, it's the woman we ordered."

Rachel: "Fasten your seat belts, it's pee pee time."

Rachel: "Chandler Bing, it's time to see your thing."

Phoebe: "They have a liking problem with you... in that they don't."

Chander: "I'll show you to my room... That sounds so weird when it isn't followed by 'no thanks, it's late.'"

Rachel: "Tit for tat."
Chandler: "Well, I'm not showing you my tat."

Chandler: "That's a realtively open weave and I can still see your... nipulary region."

Phoebe: "He's really sweet and in some ways I think he's so right for me... But I hate that guy."

Ross: "Do you know how long it's been since I've grabbed a spoon? Do the words 'Billy, don't be a hero' mean anything to you?"

Chandler: "Could she be anymore out of my league? Right now, I'm very conscious of my tongue."

Mr. Geller: "When my time comes, I want to be buried at sea."
Monica: "Why?!"
Mr. Geller: "It sounds like fun... Sure, you can make a day of it. Bring a picnic lunch... I want people to say, 'Buried at sea...huh...'."

Chandler to Jill Goodacre: "Gum would be perfection"

Steve (Jon Lovitz): "Well, slap my ass and call me Judy!"

Steve (Jon Lovitz): "Tartlets. -- Tartlets. -- Tartlets. -- The word has lost all meaning."

Joey: "You meant sex, right?"

Joey: "Phoebe is Phoebe but Ursula is hot"

Monica: "I'm that stupid"
Rachel: "I'm not too bright either"

Ross: "Susan, go deep"

Chandler's Boss: "This is the worse A.N.U.S. we've seen since the '70's"

Chandler: "...You throw my W.E.N.U.S. out of whack."

[Ross telling Joey should attend Phoebe's birthday instead of Ursula's(Pheobe's twin]
Ross: "What about Pheobe's birthday?"
Joey: "Is that today? What are the odds?!"
{long pause}
Ross: "You take your time."
{Joey gets it}
Chandler: "Theeeeeere it is!"

Ross: "Do you have a point?"
Chandler: "You'd think I would."

Jamie Buchman: "No, we were just there [Riff's] last night...she kept bringing swordfish."

Chandler to Joey: "You know that thing where we talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore."

Chandler to Joey: "If you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be standing at the business end of a hissy fit."

Ross: "The doctor got the 'K' out. They also found an 'M' and an 'O.'"
Chandler: "We think he was trying to spell out 'Monkey.'"

PHOEBE[To Monica and Rachel]: There we go. You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.

CHANDLER[To Joey]: How can you not be wearing any underwear?
JOEY[Replies]: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.

VAN DAMME[To Monica and Rachel]: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could...(you know)

CHANDLER[To Joey]: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in Joey's face]

PHOEBE: I didn't watch the ending, I was too depressed. It just kept getting worse and worse, it should have been called, "It's a sucky life and just when you think it can't suck any more it does."

PHOEBE: Hamburger. McDonald's. Old MacDonald had a farm, my dad is a pharmacist.

PHOEBE: Yeah, but he did have to have a bunch of stitches and he said that only once in a blue moon does a dog's ear grow back so...still hoping.

Monica: ...Okay, just think about every lousy date that you ever had, okay, every guy who kept their eye on the TV while you’re making out...
Phoebe: Oh my God! You dated someone with a glass eye too?!

CHANDLER: Well now you understand how I feel every single day, ok? The world is my lesbian wedding.

CHANDLER: [to the lesbian who just rejected him] All right look. Penis schmenis. We're all people.

JOEY: Which one of us do you think will be the last to get married? [They all look at Chandler]
CHANDLER: Isn't Ben in this?
ALL: Oh, yeah!

JOEY: Uh, uh, we'll flip for it. Ducks or clowns.
CHANDLER: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby?
JOEY: You got a better idea?
CHANDLER: All right, call it in the air.
JOEY: Heads.
CHANDLER: Heads it is.
JOEY: Yes! Whew!
CHANDLER: We have to assign heads to something.
JOEY: Right. Ok, ok, uh, ducks is heads, because ducks have heads.
CHANDLER: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

CHANDLER: ...12 megabytes of ram. 500 megabyte hard drive. Built-in spreadsheet capabilities and a modem that transmits at over 28,000 b.p.s.
PHOEBE: Wow. What are you gonna use it for?
CHANDLER: Games and stuff. :)

RACHEL: ...He's gonna stay with her and she's going to be all, "Hi, I'm Julie, Ross picked me, and we're gonna to get married, have a lot of kids and dig up stuff together."
PHOEBE: No offense, but that sounds nothing like her.

CHANDLER: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.

JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.

CHANDLER: I'm telling you this thing won't print. Yes, I pressed that button like 100 times. You know, for a hot line you are not so hot. What? What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?

CHANDLER: All right, Pheebs, back me up here, ok? You believe in that karma crap, don't you?
PHOEBE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.

MR. RATSTATTER[To Monica about how much "Mockolate" she ate]: Oh, some, that's fine. Some is fine. Some is not a lot. So, it doesn't burn when you pee, does it?

RADIO: ...(Rachel)told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.

MONICA: I figured out I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even. So, I've got a new plan now. Babies.
CHANDLER: Well, your gonna need much bigger jars.

Phoebe: We could eat the wax! It’s organic.
Chandler: Oh great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe: No, not the used wax.
Chandler: Because that would be crazy?

Monica: Hey. It’s three in the morning. They don’t know that I’ve come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am.
Phoebe: Yeah, y'know, people can be so self-involved.

Rachel: Chandler! You’re smoking? What are you doing?!
Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You’re not my real Mom!!

Monica[To Chandler]: So, if you’re parents hadn’t got divorced, you’d be able to answer a question like a normal person?

Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra.
Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big.
Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.

Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light another cigarette.)
Monica: Then why are you smoking?
Chandler: Well it’s very unsettling.

Carol: You slept with another woman?
Ross: Oh, you-you’re-you’re one to talk.

Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle’s my middle name. Actually it’s the ah, middle part of my first name.